The Weirdest Things About America, a collection of casual observations of the USA by an Indian exchange student, is a hilarious and insightful critique of American life. It is twice as entertaining to those who know India.
Nellie Thompson, my girlfriend and co-author, and I both lived in Mumbai as working professionals--she for six months and I for the better part of a year. Here we offer our own casual observations on what we, as Americans, found amusing, thought-provoking, and downright strange about life in India.
We lived in Mumbai's Bandra neighborhood in an area called Pali Hill--a leafy, historically Christian enclave best known for its heavy expat presence and its close proximity to Bollywood. Though we travelled quite a bit within the country and explored Mumbai extensively, we merely scratched the surface of what India has to offer. We do not claim to be authorities on India, but we did walk away with a profound love for the country.
In that spirit, we wanted to share our anecdotal (and completely subjective) observations from our time there. We invite readers to share their own experiences, as well.
Nellie Thompson, my girlfriend and co-author, and I both lived in Mumbai as working professionals--she for six months and I for the better part of a year. Here we offer our own casual observations on what we, as Americans, found amusing, thought-provoking, and downright strange about life in India.
We lived in Mumbai's Bandra neighborhood in an area called Pali Hill--a leafy, historically Christian enclave best known for its heavy expat presence and its close proximity to Bollywood. Though we travelled quite a bit within the country and explored Mumbai extensively, we merely scratched the surface of what India has to offer. We do not claim to be authorities on India, but we did walk away with a profound love for the country.
In that spirit, we wanted to share our anecdotal (and completely subjective) observations from our time there. We invite readers to share their own experiences, as well.
Gym Memberships Are Status Symbols
In a country where per capita annual income is $1,200, fitness club fees tend to run about $100 per month. For context, on a per capita income basis in the US, that would be like paying around $3,500 per month for a gym. Like many things in India, that price can be negotiated, but it’s a luxury nonetheless. Once inside, men love to lift weights, while women either stand around talking or walk aggressively on the treadmill (See #28: Powerwalking). You’re hard-pressed to witness a vigorous workout by a woman. Aside from the elite colonial-style country clubs, which are a different beast altogether, Gold's Gym is probably the most exclusive chain brand name in the game. Yup. That’s right. Gold's Gym.
“Yes” Doesn’t Mean Yes and You Rarely Hear “No”
When someone says “Yes” to you in India, this does not confer actual agreement. Instead, “Yes” often translates to: "I have heard what you said and I'll consider it." You may also find yourself confused when you discover that few people ever directly say “No.” Americans, in general, are an extremely blunt breed. “Yes” tends to mean yes and “No” tends to mean no. Many Indians, in an attempt to keep harmony in a conversation, replace our version of “No” (a.k.a “there’s no way in hell”) with “Yes, I see” or “I will consider it.”
Offices Are Like Families
The life of the average white collar worker in India is a lot different. Personal and professional lines are blurred. First, when you interview for a position, you are asked about your marital status and family history--a strict no-no here in the US. Once you’re in, you’ll find that the entire staff eats lunch together everyday. Managers closely monitor hourly activity, interpersonal interactions, and the personal lives of employees. There are even 'Office Moms' responsible for staff health and well-being.
It’s OK to Police Other People’s Children
You will see adults disciplining other people’s children in public when the situation merits it. On more than one occasion, we witnessed what appeared to be total strangers spanking and, in some limited cases, actually slapping poorly-behaved children. It’s an “it takes a village” mentality. You would never see that happening Stateside though you arguably should.
You Can Get Anything Delivered. All the Time. For Free.
It's 2am and you need three large bottles of beer, some Hot Wheels cars, a single Solo cup, a kilo of spicy cashews, and a beach ball? No problem. Call your corner store. It'll be there in 10 minutes. No charge.
It Can Take 2-3 Hours to Drive 3-4 Miles
It's a really bad idea to book more than two or three meetings in a day. People tend to meet you with the understanding that it will lead to drinks or eats. Business is social. Further, the snarling, bumper-to-bumper traffic will pretty much guarantee that a day loaded with brief meet-and-greets is a logistical impossibility. A very short drive can easily swallow up an hour (or several) of your time. Because many professionals have drivers, the upside is that you can use that commuting time to read the newspaper, snooze, and catch up on phone calls. Cars function as second offices.
No One Is On-Time For Anything. Ever.
An acquaintance invites you over to his house for dinner at 9pm. You arrive fashionably late at 9:30pm. Sorry, you will likely be there an hour before anyone else. Don’t take it personally. Even business partners may unapologetically show up to meetings well after your coffee has turned cold. Perhaps the aforementioned traffic can account for the trend in tardiness; however, it is more likely that punctuality is simply not valued in India the same way it is in the States.
Luxury Hotels Are Safe Havens for the Weary Westerner
If you're a Westerner who is having a panic attack from the chaos of the streets, simply wander into your nearby luxury hotel. You'll be greeted in a welcoming manner, offered a fresh beverage, and, if you ask for it, given access to facilities so that you may freshen up a bit. You'd think hotel managers would know that everyone is doing this all the time, but they don't seem to mind at all. We dare you to try that one in the US.
Shopping Is a Team Sport
When you walk into a nice shop in India, the first thing you receive is a greeting and some chai (tea). A small army of shopping clerks will then assist you as you shop. Even when you’re shopping for groceries, expect to be trailed by an employee who enthusiastically pulls items as quickly as you can point to them on the shelves. If you are a returning customer, don’t be surprised when they begin bagging your regularly-purchased items before you can utter a word. Carry your bags home from the store? No need. Simply schedule a time for free delivery. When you return to the States, you’ll be so spoiled you’ll wonder how you ever managed to shop on your own.
PDAs Have Different Rules
Male friends hold hands with each other in public. But when men and women hold hands publicly, it's provocative. Public displays of affection between couples can elicit smirks, clucks, and other negative responses. Tread with caution.
People Pay to Whiten...Their Skin
According to the WSJ, the skin whitening industry is a $20 billion industry across Asia and India. Whitening products are as common and heavily marketed there as diet products are here. The whole thing is quite weird in contrast to tanning-crazed Americans who go to great lengths to achieve a golden-brown glow. Hard to tell which group is more bizarre.
The Laws of Standing-in-Line Are Not Respected
When standing in a line, people will get right up next to you--so close you’re actually touching (See #23: No-Fly Zone). As soon as you can turn around and say “Hey, where’s the fire?”, you’ll realize that some enterprising soul just cut in front of you. Cutting in line is commonplace. Americans—who generally like their lines neat and orderly (and with an arms-length space between individuals)—may surge with rage at this lack of civic sensibility. If you insist on standing your literal (and moral) ground, you won’t get anywhere. Push if necessary.
There's Less Sensitivity Around Weight Issues
When greeting someone after a long time apart, it's not uncommon to hear him or her say "My! You've really gained!" Terms of endearment that translate to “chubby” are commonplace and well-intentioned. There's considerably less fascination with skinniness in India and less stigma associated with excess pounds, which is refreshing.
Monsoon Means Forest Gump-Style Rain
Big rain, fat rain, rain coming down sideways, rain that comes from the ground up. Monsoon, the magical phenomenon that breaks weeks of relentless heat, is a true spectacle and miracle. Everyone slows it down big time when the rains start. There’s nothing like it here in the States.
Getting a Cell Phone Is Ridiculously Tough
It took us 10 days to procure cell phones thanks to onerous security measures on foreigners. Queues at wireless stores can last for hours, few employees speak English, and you need an absurd amount of documentation to set up the most basic plan. A member of the Mumbai police actually came to our residence to confirm our address on the phone application.
The 'Rules Of The Road' Are Non-Existant
Car travel is quite an experience. There are relatively few street signals and road signs once you get off the main drags. Even if there were more signage, it wouldn’t matter. Traffic laws are more like traffic guidelines. When queues to get too long to get on a ramp for a bridge, for example, people just might inexplicably start driving up the exit ramps and down the wrong side of the road.
Being A Pedestrian Can Be Tough
Driving is pretty terrifying, but walking places is worse. Because most roads have lots of vehicle traffic and are not really governed by stop lights, the best way to cross the street is to wander into traffic in your best Heisman-trophy pose and to hand-guard cars that are going 5-10 mph. They probably won't hit you very hard, just a love tap really. Real-life Frogger.
Hired Help Is Absurdly Cheap
Having live-in labor such as house cleaners, drivers, security personal, nannies, and cooks is fairly common in the upper middle class and above. The hourly cost of someone's time is very low and therefore keeping him/her around full-time is a relatively minor expense for well-to-do families. In many cases, multiple generations of staff and their offspring stay with a family for decades.
People Aren’t So Casual about Clothing
Indians--across all classes--generally take considerable pride in their personal appearance. Men, for the most part, are well-groomed in slacks and tucked-in button downs. In spite of the heat, adults never wear shorts in public unless they're exercising. Women are ornately dressed most of the time.
You Accidentally Offend People All the Time
Most standards with body language and manners are so different that you're bound to offend people just by being yourself. For example, pointing directly at objects or people is quite rude (admittedly, Americans aren’t supposed to do that, either). Crossing your legs in someone's general direction and showing him the bottoms of your feet is extremely offensive. Similarly, doing anything with your left hand, i.e. drinking, eating, touching people, is considered dirty.
Having Seconds is a Must
When visiting someone's house, appetizers will come hot and heavy. Just when you think you're ready to enter your food coma, you'll be called to the table for the actual meal. Understand that it is your social obligation to eat at least two servings of food followed by dessert. This is Indian hospitality at its finest. Just pace yourself from the start and make each portion small. You won’t be complaining a bit if you do it right. The food is out-of-this-world delicious.
The Wealth Inequality Is Overwhelming
A billionaire's compound may be outfitted with all the latest luxuries, but you'll find the poorest of the poor, starving, unsheltered, and often seriously diseased camped out in front of the mansion’s gate. This is one of India's biggest sources of criticism and confusion. In some senses, vast inequality is rooted into a culture and religion that is thousands of years old (Research Hinduism). On a more human level, however, the scale and intensity of the poverty is simply staggering, especially when juxtaposed against the extreme wealth that sits right next to it.
You Have No ‘No-Fly Zone’ (Personal Bubble)
Relative to the rest of the world, Americans maintain large spatial zones around themselves to keep strangers at a distance. Indians do not require such zones. It's a nation of close-talkers who have no issue getting up close and personal. They’re neither being rude nor being aggressive.
There are Separate Public Spaces for Men and Women
If you're a man and you try to enter the "Women Only" train cars in Mumbai or Delhi, you will get beaten down with a cane and then get thrown off the train. These cars and other projects and facilities like them are a direct response to the high rates of sexual harassment (known as “eve teasing”) and to gender-based violence against women in India.
Your Last Name Is Your Business Card
Getting an apartment in India as an American was incredibly difficult (Indians generally like Americans, but are a bit distrustful of all Westerners). We pretended to be engaged in order to seem like a more stable and attractive couple, but ultimately our saving grace was that my last name (Kapur--my dad was born in India) was a "very good name" according to the Punjabi owners of the flat we rented. Classist and racist undertones aside, a person's last name denotes a great deal about him–including the region of his ancestors, often his place in society, and more. Your name is your business card and you carry it with you always.
Vegetarians Don’t Miss Out
Unlike in the US, the vegetarian fare in India is spectacular. Most strict Hindus are 100% veg. For various reasons, including the fact that we walked by several slaughterhouses on our way to the gym everyday, we avoided eating meat whenever possible. When we returned home, we quickly returned to our carnivorous ways.
Athletes Aren’t Idolized (Cricketers Aside)
Coming from an 'athletes first' culture like the US, it's interesting to note that feats of athleticism in India are not as prized or bragged about as, say, a child's performance on a math exam. With the exception of cricket (where Indians tend to unleash their inner sports fanatic), Indians definitely do not value athletic performance quite like we do.
Wealthy Indians Love to Power Walk
Young and old, male and female—middle and upper class Indians love to throw on their sneakers under their traditional garb and go for a nice, long power walk. This usually happens at dawn and dusk when the heat is low and the people-watching opportunities are high. It is really cute to see entire families going for their nightly power walks together. Prancersize has yet to catch on.
Sensory Overload is the Norm
At all times, your eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and skin are being bombarded with stimulation. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Rarely is one extreme dominating all five senses simultaneously. Most often, one part of your brain is being offended, while another part is being rewarded (e.g. these taxis are honking so loudly that you can’t hear yourself think, but oh man does this X taste incredibly delicious).
Google Maps Will Fail You
There are neither widespread street sign systems nor functional address systems in place. The same road can go by 20 different names depending on who you ask. In order to navigate, you must have substantial knowledge of large, local landmarks. For example, if you're in a cab, it is critical to know your destination's proximity to a sky-scraper, hotel, famous landmark, bridge, or mall. You will get lost. Fortunately, showing up extremely late is no big deal.
